Ouran High School Host Club, Once Again!
by 5x5roguegmail.com
Summary: this isn't what you thought it was, if I wasn't gunna tell you what it was about, anyhow... ..
1. Chapter 1, let's hang out!

Chapter One, A Word From Fujioka

ˆˇˆˇˆˇMy life wasn't supposed to be this stupid, just so you know me about it. It's hard to figure out how to explain to people that Tamaki and the others don't really stop speaking as many languages as they can, so long as ladies are involved, and you do it with the same set of words everybody else has access to on the internet; all of them, dumbasses.  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇLook, it's hard enough to get anyone to believe that I never wanted to become a lawyer, but there was no way I was going to explain to a bunch of commoners why I, the great Haruhi Fujioka, would lower myself to play house with them, at the host club.  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇI'm not sure why any of you never thought it would be fun for me, the great Haruhi Fujioka, to mock everything about your delicate sensibilities, and figure out how to tell you a story you never really knew about, because it's not like you watch good anime, or anything; that would be weird.  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇSo the last time I got to know my friends, I never really had to tell anybody that I was dying to know what the host club would do with somebody like me, when I confused the hell out of them, by playing a boy, then a girl, then a boy, then a boy again, then a girl, and nobody ever had to know why it was so alarming to somebody like Hikaru Hitachiin, until you got to know him, because he always assumed that you had to be some kind of hermaphroditic weirdo to be able to hang out as either gender role whosa whatsits.  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇIt's not a bad idea to let me know what you're interested in, you know. There's all sorts of things I never even heard of until I came here to Ouran High School, so don't worry so much about what you're telling me, even if I look a little perplexed, okay?  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇThe idea that you wouldn't know a host if it bit you in the ass, Hikaru Hitachiin, or should I say, Kaoru's evil twin brother, and I don't know why you guys haven't watched enough _Vampire Diaries_ to know what a doppleganger is, and that the lore has always been that there's a double of some people out there, set to ruin their life and take away their power.  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇDo you have any idea how insane it is that you never noticed how evil that kid has always been? Do you have any idea how easy it is to tell those two apart, any time they ask? I just have to look at them, and one is telling me, 'You can't do this. No one's ever been able to do this. It's impossible, just give up!' and the other one's screaming, 'Come on, Haruhi! I know you know what I look like! Check it out! See? It's me, Hikaru!'  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇAnd of course that means it's Kaoru, who's been an indestructible destroyer of evil and lover of boys and ladies alike, and yes I can attest to that, ever since Tamaki-senpai brought him into the Host Club, all those ages and ages ago.  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇI really don't think you understand just what the hell Tamaki Suou was even talking about when he kept saying we were a bunch of boys and girls with way too much time on our hands. You go to class at Ouran, when you're bored with whatever else you're doing.  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇMost days, you just screw around and start a project with just about anybody you want to talk to, and I managed to get into the most social, badass club I could possibly have hoped to be a part of, and yes, we had way more hosts than you've ever seemed to know about, till now, anyway.  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇDon't worry so much about Kaoru, because he's in good hands, and surrounded by friends, and if anybody besides me could tell the difference, because a boy called Hikaru came to her house to make love to her the night before, it's because Kaoru loves screwing with Hikaru, when every girl who's had him realizes there's only one lover amongst the two, and never has trouble telling them apart, but never says.  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇIt's more than a little alarming that nobody knows how many times Hikaru actually got kicked out of the Host Club. Seriously? Tamaki and Kaoru weren't about to take some of the evil malware he tried implanting in girls' heads, trying to make them think girls were somehow less than boys in every way, by acting like they just couldn't hold his attentions like they really cared, after all. It's not like he could really blame you, maybe girls and boys just aren't meant to be together like they say, after all…. ..  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇSee how creepy that was, even just coming from me? Hikaru's a twisted little bastard, but it's hard not to laugh and have fun with him when everybody involved knows what a cretin he can be, and we can't stop screwing with his head.  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇDon't ever doubt what I'm talking about, unless you want some nasty little bastard to be able to call himself your friend and fill you with all sorts of bogus malware thinking patterns that make you belittle yourself at every turn and doubt the way people you cared about really feel about you.  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇIt's ugly that anybody ever thought that my dad wasn't a total pervert and weirdo, in the worst sort of ways. He would run on and on about how much he admired and loved and wanted to emulate powerful women, but no one would look at a woman doing the ridiculous, mocking, controlling bullshit my dad always seemed to be doing, and think she was anything other than a crazy bitch and a menace to society and women alike.  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇIf you ever actually thought he was anything like my Tamaki-senpai, you're out of your freaking mind, and you need to read up on mockingbirds. They kill the offspring of other birds, and their hatchlings grow up to look like cruel mockery of whatever that parent bird was, and they cry out like total assholes, and nobody seems to figure out why that one bird is so ugly and obnoxious, well, there you go, why is it everybody hates Hikaru and loves Kaoru? Is one a beautiful songbird, and the other a reject, child murdering mockingbird who strings together song syllables in way he thinks will give him attention? Same deal, with my dad versus Tama-chan.  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇOkay seriously though, if none of you knew I was in love with Honey-senpai from the moment we met then you're all completely retarded. He never wanted to do anything but act exactly the way he wanted to, kid or grownup, badass or sweetheard, because he's all those things, and he knows it, so nothing he says, does he have to worry about sounding childish, or different, or, you know, not his place, or kind, right?  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇNobody seems to know why Tama-chan doesn't seem to know the difference between boys and girls, any longer, but he never really did in the first place, and right when he was thinking he might have a handle on it, I went and shattered his reality for me.  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇGuess how many times Tamaki put his hand down my pants when we were making out, just to check for sure about me? Like, never, basically. Who told you I was making out with Tamaki Suou? Whaaaat? You're out of your mind, lady. That's crazy. _You're_ crazy.  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇThe fact that you're still here means you either already know something about Ouron High School Host Club, or you'd like to, and to put it in some finer words, it's where young, wealthy boys with far too much time on their hands entertain darling, impressionable young ladies who also have way too much time on their hands.  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇIt's a story about romance in so many different directions, you can scarcely figure out how to tell people that nobody ever had to explain the difference between boys and girls for you not to have to worry about what sex someone was, but whether or not you found them sexy, at all.  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇI like the way I am, right now, and I don't plan on changing. That's the stupidest thing you'll ever hear me pretending to say, by the way. I learned all sorts of things at Ouran, and I don't see how I could ever stop changing, but that's just what I always did, anyway… ..  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇIf you want to have some adventures with us again, and come figure out how many more stories we could tell you about, about all those crazy parties we were throwing, all over the freaking planet, for god's sakes!, in freaking castles and nuclear power plants and batcaves or whatever else you can freaking think of to do with whatever amount of money you want Kyouya to grub up for us, then come hang out with here, at Ouran High School Host Club!  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇOr don't, ya freaking animals, see if I care?


	2. Chapter 2, see what we are!

Chapter Two, A Life from Kyouya's Point of View

ˆˇˆˇˆˇNobody had to tell you, that I'd never had agreed to this host club business, if my sister hadn't been so sure I'd never be in love with anyone but Tamaki Suou, she started fucking my brains out on a daily basis, to get me to be more personable, and interested in women, anyway, and it worked wonders, I'd have to say… ..  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇNobody seems to know just how I treated those splendid guests of ours, and I can't believe you'd think I was such an asshole and horrid host as to stand around with a clip board making snide comments about what was going on _every_ day?! No one would even _start_ to care what I even started to want to say about Tamaki Suou's capriciousness, overall forein there within forewith and foretu on again,. .. ..  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇLiken it or not to a bad case of poor judgment, but my priority level with figuring on how long it actually took for Tamaki Suou, our loving president and my apparent social counterpart and opposite to Renge's classist dispusionary mental associating tactics, so the idea idea that anyone would know or want to know, even, whether or not I liked to make love to females or males, even, would be a ridiculous notion, considering my insanely overt interest in the host club and the care of its guests, and my love for foreplay, thereonin and forthwith… ..  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇMy life as you know it is a sham. You've never had to see, now where do I conduct myself? I actually have no idea how many of these chapters of my versions you've actually read, so far. This could be your eighth or tenth readthrough of these great many chapters, for all I know, but then again, perhaps you're of insufficient mental calibur to disassociate my voice from this character, and this chapter just fucks with your head faaar too much for you to really have anything to say about it afterwards, don't you think, pleasant mockingbirds?  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇLook at it this way; my life as you know it never has to be anything less than what you think a real person in my situation could or would even want to be capable of. This is more than you'd ever needed to know about, honestly, and the last time you had to worry about my life, was the first time anything we never needed to know about, was mine, or yours, or my beloved Tamamki Suou's, and the rest of all my life you never needed to actually hear about, was nothing less than a bullshit interpretation squeezed of all its dearest fluids, because no one understood why the taller than Suou boy with dark hair and stylish glasses, could be a decent host to males and females alike, in an intelligent and sociable fashion?  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇIt's not hard to see why I, in particular, would take offense to past references of my overall character, and let it be known from this chapter in on out, that I'd never have been so great a fool as to deprive myself of the love of a person like Tamaki Suou, and the master hacker that came to us to save the host club from an unstoppable host of wicked mockingbirds set on destroying out intent by bastardizing our methods and turning it into a debaucherous, shamble of existences… ..  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇMy life as you've known it, doesn't have to end, because I know without a doubt, that we've all been able to preserve something of what we once were, or are, as the case tends to bridge both, without reason or trouble thereforrit, in all representations you'd ever thought to see of us. This is always the case with social misfits like Haruhi Fujioka's closest friends and family therein. We do what we love because we do as we please, so if ever you wanted to hear my voice again, then please, enjoy as many man ga chapters as you care to, or partake in the anime, to thrive on the voice actors' praise of reality and the musicians' beautiful addition to our poetic mantra of reality, love, sex and social foreplay, all on there and to on in without, again… ..  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇMy life again so said for, was never anything you truly _needed_ to know about, so why, I wonder, would you think I never or ever or cared to admit that I'd want to or know you or think you could know me or think that I was what you thought that I could be and all that you could be was what we once were once so said for the witches and said for the whores, cuz all that we are is what cute ones adored, so said for all I was once and all that I am, for I know what I said for, and see what I am… ..


	3. Chapter 3, who wants to fight?

Chapter the Third, Hey, It's Me, Kaoru!

ˆˇˆˇˆˇIt wasn't all that hard, really, to remember why nobody else seemed to think Hikaru and I are totally alike, except that everybody already totally thinks that, so why would we have to say any differently, anyway?  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇIt's not hard to imagine, though, and this is Hikaru talking, that the rest of all our friends never had to know the difference between the two of us, because like, why would we even care who they were, and never had to know about in the first place, whatforrit?  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇI don't say what forrit, Kaoru.  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇI didn't say you did, Hikaru, I just happened to be Kaoru when I said it. Do I have to update everyone on the difference between us every time, or isn't there one, Hikaru-senpai?  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"Don't call me senpai unless we're alone together, it's weird!"  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"Hikaru, why do you have to embarrass me in front of our guests like that?"  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"Kaoru, quit being such a baby all the time, it's really annoying," Haruhi Fujioka put in, rather rudely, I might add, "just fight back already; either make him feel like crap about himself or kick him in the pants section, why don't you?"  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇHikaru looked uncomfortable. "Why doesn't somebody kick Haruhi in the pants, so we can all find out once and for all if he's really a-"  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"Hikaru, stop that! Nobody's touching my little girl's ballsack today!"  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"I'll be the judge of that, senpai, so just stay out of it already. There's such thing as a good touch, you know, and who knows, I might just be in for that sort of thing."  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇThe girls all there, and there were only about seven, this hour, were giggling or sort of silently freaking out, either way.  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇBoss looked alarmed. "A-are you serious, my darling Haruhi Fujioka? You… you _want_ someone to touch you…" he dropped his voice to a whisper, " _your private areas_?"  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"All boys like the good touch, Tamaki," said Fujiko, laughing a little at the way Tamaki nearly balked at her. "It's not that hard to imagine why Haruhi's so upset, after all. Maybe he just wants some alone time with Hikaru, so they can kick or caress each other's, hah, 'private areas', all they wants to."  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"Okay can we stop talking about touching private parts for-"  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"Hikaru's not ashamed, is he?" Boss looked curious.  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"No, I'm not ashamed, I only-"  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"Hikaru doesn't know the difference, even, between a good touch and a bad touch, I'll bet," said Haruhi Fujuika, the insatiable cur that she wasn't.  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"I do _too_ know the difference, Haruhi Fujioka!"  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"You say my last name like it's supposed to scare me, or something. It's not going to, you know. You could even say it backwards, 'Akoi-joof Eehura', and it's not really that terrifying."  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"Did Belzeneff teach you that one?" asked Kaoru, curiously genuine innitself, whatforhim.  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"No, not Belzeneff, it was the, uh, the other one, what's his name?"  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"Oh Belzeneff's puppet, that boy, Nekozawa," Tamaki supplied.  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇIt wasn't only the four hosts until about an hour and a half before, and everything had been going pretty well, up until just then… ..  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"Are we seriously going to confuse the issue, at this point?" Hikaru couldn't seem to let anything go, lately.  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"Alright, that's it Hikaru. Get your ass out of that chair and come outside, I'm kicking your ass again, today, once and for all, in the field, right now." Haruhi looked more destined, than angry, really.  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"Are you kidding me right now?" Kaoru looked like he might not even know what to say, to such a thing.  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"What is this, some kind of a stupid game? You'd get your ass kicked, Haru-chan, you're a-"  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇTamaki Suou tipped Hikaru's already leaning back chair, just then, to shut him up or satisfy his own cravings, no one would ever truly know, actually. The boss was convinced Haruhi was really a girl, at that point in time, so it seemed likely Haruhi wasn't going to have to do anything but kick Hikaru's ass, ball sack equipped or not, as the case might have been. I wasn't really sure, at that point in time, because Haruhi could do both, on a moment's notice, and it freaked the hell out of Hikaru so often I couldn't even figure how not to laugh at him, mostly.  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"Hey, what the hell is your problem, Suou?!" Hikaru didn't have time to get up before Haruhi kicked him, not-so-lightly, in the shoulders, twice.  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"Come on, dumbass, I said we're gunna fight, so we might as well do it right here and now, instead of wasting everybody's time going out to the field, knowhatimeanforrit?"  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"Haruhi you're out of your damn mind, right now!" He wasn't even getting up, yet, like that was going to protect a man while he was down, somehow. "Quit kicking me, hey!"  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"Man up, pansy. It's honor on the line, now. What, you afraid of a few more bruises?"  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"Alright, that's it!" He scrambled, trying to get up. "I'm kicking your ass and I'm not holding back, either!"  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"Take it easy Haru-chan," said Kaoru.  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"Don't call me Haru-chan like that's not half the reason I'm kicking Hikaru's ass today." She wasn't letting him get up without a few annoying kicks, which was pretty damn funny, honestly, cuz she wasn't really hurting him all that bad, just yet. "I'll kick your sorry ass two, Kaoru, or right at the same time, if you wants to, and don't you think you can interfere, Senpai!"  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"I wouldn't dare interrupt my little girl's daring exhibition match against our beautiful Hitachiin twins. Though perhaps we should wait for Mori-senpai to referee or-"  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"Exhibition match? Is that what you think is about to happen? Oh no, Senpai," she tripped Hikaru, like it was nothing. "I'm gunna kick the ever loving crap out of him, for real this time. He's been pissing me off like this for ages, now."  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"Haruhi, I can't just let you take down my brother like this! If you're not both shirtless, it feels like there's not even any point to this!"  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"Well, I'm not gunna take my shirt off, forrit," she was lightly boxing at Hikaru, by then, pissing him off by slapping his shoulders really hard, easily getting past his guards, or whatever. "But if you want to imagine me naked, that'd be okay, I guess. It's not like I could stop you."  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"Oh my goodness, Haru-chan," said Souka Morino, like she wasn't running the risk of Haruhi kicking her ass today, too, "are you really going to resort to violence, like some common thug? Right here, in the middle of Ouran Academy?"  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"Tamaki say something host like, and no one call me Haru-chan while I'm beating somebody's ass, okay? It's just gunna make me hurt the Hitachiin dopplegangar even worse than I thought I'd initially wanted. So go ahead, actually, it might get kind of funny, in here, forrit."  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇHaruhi didn't really do anything for the next ten or so minutes but beat the crap out of my older brother, who was kind of an asshole, lately, and didn't really know how to fight, apparently, so it was pretty funny, and anybody who thought Haru-chan couldn't take control of a fight well enough to keep it getting too out of control and barbarian was out of their minds, because it looked like the easiest thing she'd ever even done before!


	4. Chapter 4, a time dor dance!

Chapter Four, A Time Without Romance

ˆˇˆˇˆˇNot that you'd have known it, but the lst time I ever fell in love, in was desperately unrequeitable, and thereon after I deemed I should no longer fall in love with fictional characters, no matter how much I love their movies, and I ceased all entertainment in the media, from thereon out.  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"My darling lover, are you serious, right now? Do you really wish to… to see more of me?"  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"Oh, Tamki Suou, you are a charmer, aren't you. I only wanted to drop off this basket one of the host club girls left for you in my classroom."  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"A basket? Well why on earth wouldn't they want to bring it here, to the Host Club music room? I can't imagine why-"  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"Maybe she was just too shy to face you, when she sent it your way. I only brought it myself because I thought you might want to introduce me to that little girl you're always ranting and raving about, whenever we're alone, together."  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"I.. .. do you not know th-" I stoped short, not realizing until right just at that moment, my mother was trying to trick me, and if she didn't already know that Haruhi Fujioka wasn't not the only boy for me to call my little girl on a daily basis, I could scarcely imagine anyone had done anything but follow her here, to eavesdrop on our conversation.  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"The only darling little girl I've ever known is my sweet little Haruhi Fujioka. You should know him by now, he's an honor student here at Ouran Academy."  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"Ouran? Truly? Oh, goodness gracious, is THAT where we are?! Oh, it's just so magical! Oh my goodness! Is this _the_ music room I've heard the legends about?"  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"Why yes, as a matter of fact i- Hey! You're trying to mock me, I think! Well it won't work! I'm unmockable, these days. My darling little Haruhi has seen to that, for me."  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"Oh? So that Haruhi I see in class all the time, he's not the real Haruhi?"  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"I can't imagine there not being another one, except that there isn't, already; Kyouya's checked it, for me."  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"Ah, and so you think she's never mocked anyone before?"  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"Well especially not her old man, of courses."  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"Which courses, yours, or theirs?"  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"Mine of course, just what are you playing at, Hikata-sensei?"  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"Sensei? I thought you liked to call me mother, whenever we're alone." She looked demure, oddly enough.  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"Mother!" I'd lowered my voice. "I thought we had eavesdroppers! And that's why we were pretending you didn't know about Haruhi?"  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"I we didn't, I just like to screw with your paranoid little brain. Do you really think Haruhi doesn't have the whole school switching back and forth over whether he's really a male or not, anyway?"  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"No, of course not! They all know Haruhi's a man's man, after all!"  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"A man's boy, you mean, and I don't think that's exactly how I'd describe her."  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"Well she's not the issue, here! You were trying to trick me, just now, into revealing something! And I don't know what!"  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"Did you want to know who left this basket for your host club?" She held the basket up, and I realized I hadn't taken it, yet.  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"Ah, sorry to make you hold that, mother. Let's see…" I reached for it, and she held it away. "What the-"  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"She's not your friend, Tamaki. She thinks she might be your best secret agent. Do you know why I said that?"  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"I have no idea what you even mean, mother."  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"She's afraid you can't be trusted to keep your love with her a secret, from that dashing Kyouya who's always running around scorning all your old lovers, for you."  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"M… _my_ dashing Kyouya? He would never!"  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"Oh no? Are you so sure about that?"  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"I don't really know why you weren't more suspicious of me earlier, Tamaki," came Kyouya's voice from around the corner, and I realized we'd probably had an eavesdropper right here in Host Club this whole time through! "It's not eavesdropping if you already knew I was working in here, Tamaki," he explained without my even accusing him out loud! He came around the corner, to see us.  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"What do you mean, Kyouya? Have you been scorning my secret lovers for me? I didn't even know I _had_ any lovers that everybody else didn't know about! Who are they?! What are their names?"  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"Probably not your concern, now that they've been effectively scorned, you know."  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"I don't think that's really up to you to decide, Kyouya!"  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"Sure, alright, Tamaki. Let me prepare a list for you, and you can go and woo all these till now nameless girls I've scorned on your behalf."  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"Mighty sportsmanlike of you, Kyouya!"  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇKyouya disappeared back into his office and my mother said; "There you go! It's so good to see you two working these things out, like that!" She handed me the basket, then, and I have to say, it was quite a nice bouquet of treats and gifts, that I could see just from holding it!  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"Thank you, mother, for bringing this matter to my attentions."  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"Better not stop calling me Sensei, now that we've got listeners, plural, darling."  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"Oh, hi Hikata-sensei, how are you doing today?" It was Haruhi, the darling little gem that she was, just coming back from a refreshing game of kick the can, no doubt. "Don't tell me Tamaki got you to come all the way down her for some tea and biscuits? He's a little trickster, you know; we've been out of those for hours, now."  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"The _nerve_!" She… she couldn't actually be offended, could she. "Tamaki Suou, you _tricked_ me?!"  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"I… Sensei that's ridiculous! I had no idea we were out of tea and biscuits! What if we-"  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"Oh, Tamaki, here's that list of girls you haven't bedded, lately," said Kyouya, peaking his head around the corner with a clipboard in his hands. "Oh, my apologies. You're entertaining one, still."  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"You made what kind of a list, now?" My darling Haruhi sounded… ANGRY with me!  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"Haruhi, that's not what he was really saying! He only meant that-"  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"That you think there's something _wrong_ with the fact that I've bedded more females than you have, don't you? Typical. Typical Suou."  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"Whaaat?! That's not it at all! I haven't even _tried_ to bed anyone, lately! It just sort of… happens!"  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"Falls in your lap?" Kyouya suggested.  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"Yes! No, wait, no!"  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"Oh, my, god," said Haruhi Fujioka.  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"Hey Boss, did Haruhi already find that nude photo you took of her while she was passed out yesterday or is she- Oh! Hey, Haru-kun, what's up?" Kaoru's real taking of the situation on his entering seemed negligible.  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"You…! You are trying to sabotage me, Hikaru! Is that what this is all about? You all are setting me up to look like a fool and a player?"  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"I don't know about 'player,'" said Haruhi Fujioka, "I'm pretty sure you'd have to have a lot more game, for that kind of a title."  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"Whoa, are we having a bedding competition now? Who's winning?" asked Kaoru.  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"I am, obviously," said my darling Haruhi-chan! "Hikaru's not far behind me though, last I checked with him.  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"You… checked with Hikaru?!" Kaoru looked scandalized. "Without my knowing? You bitch!" He slapped Haruhi.  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"That's it!" She glomped Kaoru, and the two of them started laughing almost right away, because Kaoru was _terrible_ at jiujitsu, apparently, but he was pretty wily, so he seemed to be having fun.  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"Oh, I wanna play!" said Honey-senpai, and I can't say he wasn't looking sleepy eyed or adorable, coming out of the other room, with the couches in it, holding Usa-chan and grinning at the sight of Kaoru and Haruhi wrestling on the floor of the main entry room. The music room was well chambered, of course; this is one of the most prestigious schools in the universe, after all.  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"Honey-senpai, hurry and help me, then! The other one can't be far behind and I'm sure I can't take _both_ these weirdoes if Hikaru shows up on us."  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"Dog piiile!" Honey-senpai leaped on top of Haruhi and Kaoru, who cried out while Haruhi laughed at him and Honey-senpai, again.  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"Hey Sensei, if you want, you should come out for a picnic with us, by the hedge gardens, later on," suggested Haruhi. She rolled out of the dogpile while Honey-senpai kept messing with Hikaru's older brother, Kaoru, while Hikaru was nowhere to be seen.  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"Oh, that's alright, Haruhi. It's very sweet of you to ask."  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"No really, you should come join us. See if you can bring Hayamo-sensei, if you like. I feel like she needs to get out of that classroom, a little more often."  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"Oh, you know what, Haruhi-san, that's not a bad idea at all! I think I _will_ bring some of the girls down to see you boys! They're all dying to know what you host clubs kids are really up to, all this time!"  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"T-teachers you mean?" I asked, not super incredulously, but mildly. "You're going to bring lady teachers for us to entertain? Why mother, that's the most splendid idea you've ever had!"  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"It wasn't my idea, or anything, Senpai," said Haruhi, and she looked like she might actually be pouting about it.  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"Maybe he wants Haruhi to be his mother now," said Kaoru. Honey-senpai hadn't let up on him, much, but he wasn't hurting him, or anything, just playing with him, and hopefully teaching Kaoru to defend himself better.  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"That'd fit right into the boss's freakish family complex. How'd you manage to get born from your darling little girl, there, Tamaki Suou?" Ah, Hikaru, a charming arrival, as always.  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"Hikaru! Right on time! Some of the teachers will be joining us for our picnic, later, out by the hedge garden! You're in charge of getting more tea and biscuits ready for our guests, before then."  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"You're kidding, right? I'm not your lap dog, Tamaki Suou. Have Haruhi do it, or something. I thought that's what you commissioned a commoner into this club, for."  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇMy mother clouted Hikaru pretty hard in the side of the head, right in his ear. "Now, young man!"  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"Jeezus, Christ, are you kidding me right now? Holy, crap, what are-" he apparently hadn't realized just who was standing there when he'd said that, and the sight of her terrified him, and he took off, probably not to get tea and biscuits or anything; that would be weird.


	5. Chapter 5, as I really am!

Chapter Five, Moreover Onto the Last One

ˆˇˆˇˆˇI never really knew why people didn't think I wasn't actually a host, and I was just Honey's pet servant, or something, but it's easy enough to wait for a chance like this one, to figure out why people ever thought a person like Setsuko Haninozuka would keep a servant around, and treat him like he was entitled to boss him around… well, let's just say that there're a lot of badguys still in Japanese media, and that anime gives me a bad rap, because of it.  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇSetsuko doesn't really like the idea that anyone would think he wasn't just a prodigy who graduated the earlier grades quickly, to move up into high school, but the idea that you'd need that explained to you just to believe he's a little kid, is kind of strange, too, and I know it's a lot less strange than the fact that nobody wise in the ways of the world ever keeps a name they don't like, so why in the world do you think I would let anyone call me Takashi, if I didn't enjoy the sound of it.  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"Setsuko, there're a lot of lovely ladies here today," I said to my little homie, who nodded his head, and gave me a sideways, phony glower.  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"You're not allowed to canoodle with teachers, Takashi, the way you canoodle with the other girls we bring into the host club," he told me. It was a lot funnier when he could keep himself from grinning like an idiot and laughing about it.  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"Yes but these girls aren't even _at_ the host club, really, so I'm not even sure what you're talking about, any longer. Oh, hey! Looks, guests, I'd better go and talk to some of them."  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"Better behave, Takashi. You never know what sort of trouble you might get into without my knowing what to dooo about iiiit!" He shouted the last part because I'd taken the chance to hurry away and over to one of the teachers I wanted to talk to.  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"Welcome to our picnic," I said to her, grabbing a plate to stack, quickly, using the tongs, grabbing a few sweets, and smiling at Onishi-sensei. "Can I get you something to eat, maybe from one of the other tables? You look a little perturbed, is all, I thought a refreshment might-"  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"What's your role in all this, Takashi? What do you get out of it?" She was straight to the point, on this one, and I wondered if she wasn't exactly one of our fans, just yet, anyway.  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"I like to talk to people. Would you like me to prove it?" I sat down across from her, and took a sip of one of the untouched glasses of orange juice, there on the table, still yet untouched, but she didn't seem to think they were fresh enough, or something. "How old are you, if you don't mind my asking?"  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"Why would you think I might not mind you asking me a question like that, Takashi Morinozuka? Are you slow today, or something?"  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"Well, you might not know why I asked you, anyway. I happen to like older women than I am, so if you said thirteen, or fourteen, I might not waste my time here, you know?"  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"Oh, and how _much_ older did you think was acceptable for a boy of your age and standing, hmm?"  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"My age and standing? Well I'm pretty tall now, if that's what you meant by standing, and as far as age goes, well…" I pointed over at Setsuko, who was talking to a bunch of the younger girls, still. Child. "He's in my year, still, but clearly, he's waaay younger than I am. So really, I'm plenty old enough to figure who I want to be the same age as, you know?"  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"The same age? You expect me to believe you've been at Ouran longer than little old me?"  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"Sure enough, I might not have. How long ago did you get here? I'm only a student, so… maybe you don't know how long it even took me to get to high school, or why I still go here, after all these years."  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"Really? That's intriguing, Takashi. I wonder, though; are you trying to make a pass at a-"  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"Hey Mori-senpai, how come- Oh! Sorry, hey Onishi-sensei, I didn't mean to interrupt." It was Haruhi Fujioka, of course, and she always seemed to arrive right on time, for this sort of thing, to interrupt when a guest might be digging herself into a hole she didn't _really_ want to be in without me.  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"Hello Haruhi, sorry to cut this short, but I don't know if I'm really cut out to be hosted, or anything. It was a nice-"  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"Unless you don't want to see the show, you should probably stick around, for a while."  
ˆˇˆˇˆˇ"Oh, there's a show?" She looked curious, and I knew she wasn't going to make it to the show, in time.


End file.
